Level 2

Another Parody, this one based on "What do you do with a B.A. in English?" and "It Sucks to be you" from Avenue Q.


Wizard: What do you do with a Specialty in Divination?
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college
And four ranks in knowledge
(arcana) have brought this to me!
Can’t fight devils yet,
‘Cause I have no spells yet,
The world is a big scary place,
But somehow I can’t shake
The feeling I might make,
A difference to the human race.

Fighter: C’mon! Hit it with a spell!

Wizard: I’m all out of spells!

Fighter: You’ve used what, 6?

Wizard: I’m an arcane caster,
I’ve learned how to cast
Some cool first level spells, like shocking grasp.
But at 4 hp I’m lucky if I can last
Two rounds
Without casting Mage Armor
It sucks to be me
It sucks to be me
It sucks to be level one, and running from a Giant Bee.
It sucks to be me.

Wizard: I’m out of here. Have Fun.
(Wizard runs away. Fighter continues holding off the Giant Bee.)

Fighter: Aaaarggghhh!
I chose a fighter,
I thought it’d be neat,
Just hack things up all day and get bonus feats!
But my whole party’s run away and let me take the heat
Of battle.
Cause I have 10 hit points.
But they’re mostly gone now.
It sucks to be me
It sucks to be me.
It sucks to be standing here when everyone else turns to flee.
It sucks to be me.

Fighter: Any chance I could get some healing over here?

Cleric: Awww. But I only have one level one spell slot left and I was gonna cast Divine Favor!

Fighter: Unless that’ll let you fight this thing off by yourself, I’d change that plan!

Cleric (while healing the fighter): *sigh* When I heard Cleric,
I thought I’d aspire
To smite the infidels with holy fire
But now all that anybody seems to require
Is healing
It sucks to be me
It sucks to be me
It sucks to have wasted all my spells restoring your hp,
It sucks to be me.

Bard: Hey guys, guess what? I can give +1 to your attack and damage rolls!

(Others glare at bard)

Bard: What?
(Singing) Inspire courage,
That’s all I can do.
Don’t you feel braver now? I know that I do!
Look at all the bonuses I’ve added to you.
It’s true!

Others: It sucks to be you!

Cleric: I feel better now!

Others: It sucks to be you.

Wizard: It sucks to know only zero level spells and cast just two.

All: It sucks to be you.

Sucks to be you!
Sucks to be me!
Sucks to be us, but not when we all level to level 2,
We’re trying to reach level 2,
You’re friends are too,
If we make it through,
We’ll all be at level 2.
We’ll all be at level 2.
We’ll all be at level 2!

Dune!

I was cleaning my room today and I found this. It was, as far as I can tell, my attempt to convince someone the Dune would work as an opera. I sort of remember the tune.

Chorus: Arrakis. Dune. Desert Planet. Arrakis. Dune. Desert Planet. (Repeat under soloists)

Duke Leto: Now we prepare for the move to Arrakis,
The planet that's come to be known as Dune.
And for now that creates quite a ruckus,
It will make things better soon.

Gurney: Leaving our home on Caladon,
The waters that we love so much,
For a planet you can't even make a salad on,
And the vegetation's far from Lush!

Thufir: Though the climate may be inhospitable, The spice will be quite profitable.

Gurney: While the spice may bring us fame and fortune,
The planet we're getting is basically crap!

Thufir: Also we need to proceed with caution, or risk falling into a Harkonnen trap!

Yueh: Harkonnen trap?

Thufir: Harkonnen traaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap!

Leto: And not only Harkonnens! The Emperor and his Saudaukar too!
Ruthless death troops from a hell like world, too take back Arrakis -

Paul: What can we do?

Gurney: All of our armies, working together,
couldn't stop a single Saudaukar!

Yueh: They're as unstoppable as the weather,
All we can do is Surrender!

All: Surrender?

Yueh: Surrender!

Leto: Wrong! We have a force at our disposal,
as powerful as them, men!
Duncan Idaho is gone to make a proposal
to the leaders of the Fremen!

Paul: You plan to make the Fremen,
The wild, native inhabitants of Dune,
Ruthless death troops, it's a hell-like world -
Defending Arrakis - It just might work!

Thufir: His plan may be permittable, the Fremen are quite formittable.

Yueh: They fight off sandworms, it's the harshest life!

Gurney: Even their women, who one would take as a wife!

Paul: Anyone who can endure such strife -

Leto: If anyone can do it,

All: They caaaaaaaaaaan!

(curtain)

And length wouldn't be an issue - that sums up a good fifty or sixty pages right there.

The lady's got potential (Star Wars version)

I saw "Evita" on Monday and was inspired to write this. If even one of you gets it, I will be amazed.

On the planet of Naboo there was a dispute over trade
The Federation settled it with a blockade
But the Queen and two Jedi, they objected

The Chancellor he couldn't get the Senate's defense,
So the Queen called for a vote of no confidence
And Palpatine was very soon elected

Just one blaster and governments fall like flies
Kapow die!
They stumble and fall
Bye bye
Backs to the wall
Aim high
We're havin' a ball
The saber and blaster rule as democracy dies

The Lady's got potential she was setting her sites
On stopping the Republic from picking a fight
by raising an army in shiny white armor

Okay she almost lost her life to Jango Fett
But Anakin he saved her then he took her to bed
And everyone got caught up in a clone war

Oh, Just one clone and governments lose their nerve
Kapow, die
They stumble and fall,
bye, bye
Their backs to the wall
Aim high
We're havin' a ball
That's how we get the government we deserve

Now the New Supreme chancellor calling the shots
Involved so discreetly in the Seperatist plots
Was secretly the Sith Lord Darth Sidious

As the war dragged on they granted him emergency power
Put Ani on the Council, it was his finest hour
And no one saw his plan so hideous

Just one Order and the Jedi fall like flies
Kapow, die!
Stumble and fall
The Jedi
Backs to the wall
Aim High
We're havin' a ball
With thunderous applause as democracy dies

The Ballad of Xindor (COM Prelude 3?)

Well sit down children,
let me tell you a tale
'Bought a man whose nerve could never fail
The greatest elf I ever knew,
(and I've known quite a few)
Bravest of warriors,
Wisest of Sages
They'll sing his praises throughout the ages

Xindor the Incredible!
Xindor the Grand!
Goblinslayer, Dwarf-defender,
Hero of Elf and Man!

Deep below the mountains,
where the sun never shines
The Dwarves worked hard down in the mines
Two thousand dwarves extracting jewels
with finely crafted mining tools
Hardest of workers,
Loyalest of friends,
A good Dwarf's labor knows no ends.

In another mountain
not to far away
Goblins watched the Dwarves working all day
They wanted those jewels all for themselves
They were willing to kill both dwarves and elves
Vilest of villains,
Evilest of foes,
A Goblins treachery grows and grows

Wand'ring o'er the Mountains,
Sleeping in the trees
Xindor the incredible ate some bread and cheese
Such a powerful enchanter, such a brave young elf
Caring for others, but not about himself
Bravest of warriors,
Wisest of Sages
They'll sing his praises throughout the ages

Xindor the Incredible!
Xindor the Grand!
Goblinslayer, Dwarf-defender,
Hero of Elf and Man!

Xindor asked the Dwarves,
for a place to stay
seeing as he'd been wandering
around all day
But the Dwarves saw Xindor's pointy ear
And they said "No elves'll be staying here,"
Stupidest of idiots,
Blindest of fools
Nearly died for having such a stupid rule

Not about to argue
Xindor slept outside
It was cold and windy and
he might have died
And the goblins dug a tunnel way down deep
And attacked the dwarves as they lay asleep
Vilest of villains,
Evilest of foes,
A Goblins treachery grows and grows

Xindor was awakened
By the noise within
Saw the Goblins fight the dwarves and nearly win
But a grudge was something Xindor couldn't hold
Even thought they'd left him out in the cold
Bravest of warriors,
Wisest of Sages
They'll sing his praises throughout the ages

Xindor the Incredible!
Xindor the Grand!
Goblinslayer, Dwarf-defender,
Hero of Elf and Man!

Xindor grabbed a Goblin
kicked him out the door
Cast some spells and soon the Goblins were no more
And the Dwarves said "Xindor, you're our king,"
And they gave him ale and shiny things
And now people everywhere will sing:
(Don't hold back, let your voices ring)

Xindor the Incredible!
Xindor the Grand!
Goblinslayer, Dwarf-defender,
Hero of Elf and Man!

(repeat ad infinitum)