Why am I such an idiot!?!?

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I see the pattern - meet girl, fall for girl, watch girl get swept up by some other guy, get over girl, repeat FOUR FRICKIN' TIMES! And yet I continue to fall for them. And next week, Shane will manage to steal Claire from me, I'll cry, I'll get over her, and I'll start over with someone else around Thursday. Well, I'm sick of it. This time I'm not stepping aside. If he wants her, he's going to have to win her over before I do. Don't envy the other guy. Be the other guy. Because she asked me out. She's interested. So she's not just leading me on - I do have a shot of coming out on top this time. I just have to not give in.
And if I lose, that's it. No more falling for anyone at all until at least next semester. (Like that's gonna happen.)

Emo poetry time

Seriously, blame my friend Grace.

Your Smile

I smile at you
Across the room
And you smile back and pull me in

Your eyes are wormholes
To a strange and fantastic world
I peer into them and see the possibilities
Of what we could be
And I can’t look away

But of course I know I must
And I know at this point I must be staring,
So I glance around,
Trying to find something,
Anything else to look at.

I settle on my feet.

Then he comes in.
He smiles at you
Across the room
And you smile back, the same smile

The same smile
Yet he is the one
Who will take your hand in his
And hold you when your world falls apart

And in your eyes,
I see what we have,
And what could be fade away,
And I know I will have to be content
with a whispered “hello”
and a smile from across the room

Arrghh!

Ok. So I decided to go see Amy's concert instead of going to my Grandma's birthday dinner at Olive Garden. It was unfortunate, but it was a decision I was ok with - missing my Grandma's birthday for my girlfriend's concert. Accept, it didn't go that way. Instead, spent my evening standing out in the cold waiting to be picked up for that concert, while my family was all enjoying there meal at olive garden.The concert's been going on for twenty minutes now. Amy's gonna be upset I wasn't there, and I feel like I've wasted my day.

I want to apologize to everyone I've been an ass to over the last few days. I don't have any excuses, but you wouldn't want to hear them anyway. I apologize and I admit that I was wrong about a lot of stuff.

And Sarah: Thanks for talking some sense into me.

If you're not one of the people I'm talking to, ignore this.

War on Love

Screw the war on terror. Someone needs to start a war on love. It's a powerful, destructive force that needs to be stopped. It's kind of like a drug. Sure, it makes you happy while you're on it, but then you get withdrawal symptoms and you go crazy. I got addicted to Ashley. I haven't had her for three months and I think I'm going to go crazy.
I need help. I don't need Amy to be out of town for a week. Seeing her keeps me from spiraling into madness. And God help William if I complete that spiral, because right now a huge part of me wants to make him suffer for this, and I'm afraid of that part winning over.

Regaining sanity

I kinda flew off the handle there. Just to make it clear to everyone, I am not going to abandon Amy and go on a hopeless quest to win back Ashley, nor am I going to stalk anyone. I still don't know what I am going to do, but it definately won't be that. Just wanted to put that in writing so ya'll could hold me to it.
Amy is really a remarkable girl, and I'm going to stick with her through this. Anything less would just make things worse.

Now I'm upset again. I was kinda hoping she was worried about me. I worried about her when she was crying over me. It killed me to see her like that. Now I'm there, and she's fine with it. That kinda pisses me off.

Well, cleaning my room to get mind off things was a monumentily stupid idea. Every object I picked up had some memory associated with it. I couldn't stand it. It'll have to get done another time.

Epilogue

This'll be my fifth post in two days, but I can only hope it comes at the end of it all, as a sort of an after thought. Feelings are like a river. If you just let them flow, they might flood every so often but it'll be slow and you'll be able to handle it. But if you try to damn them up, then eventually the pressure will become so great the damn breaks, and water comes gushing in. Last night the damn burst. The damage was extensive. Today I tried my best to clean it up. All I can say is I've learned something very valuable from all this, and I'm not likely to forget it anytime soon.

You know what I said about that one ray of hope? Well, she's gone too now. It's all darkness. I've screwed up my life so completely there is no redemption, and everyone is now injured by my stupidity. I'm running out of friends.

Explanatory rant

Why am I depressed? Nothing else is going wrong; everything is going great. I just had a great show. And I didn't even have an hour to be happy before she had to step in and shove reality in my face. Why the hell can't I just LET HER GO?!!!

I've got to have the worst timing of anyone. I could have felt this way before we broke up, or during the weeks she was crying over me, or anytime between then and when she started dating William, and it actually would have done some good. Now, it's just useless emotion drivng me slowly insane. And I can't do a thing about it. And I can't even get into another relationship for fear of this happening again. I don't need this right now. I'm such an idiot!

I need to cuss.

@#!#$!!!

Somehow I don't feel any better.

Love sucks

Happy happy happy! happy happy happy! sad.








hellfire and damnation.

I'm better now. Still not great, but better. I've taken a breather and I'm gonna be ok. I thank most of you for your support.

I hate November

Not much else to say. It's easily the worst months of the year, and this one is particularly bad. Less than a week into it I've gotten enough sleep one day out of those five, our nation re-eleected one of it's worst presidents ever, I've had more homework than I can remember having ever, and I realized that I still have feelings for Ashley, which I'm trying to get over for William's sake. And I'm taking it all out on Evan, which really probably isn't fair, but I can't really help it and it's sort of his own fault. Today I screwed up a lab in physics and Mrs. Dingman yelled at me in Chamber, because I was unfocused, because I'm not getting enough sleep. I clearly don't have time to write a novel.
The one ray of hope in this nightmare of a week has been Amy. And even she I'm a little uncertain about. I'm thinking about quiting Chamber choir.
And yes Evie, I'm comfortable posting all this here because I'm 90% certain you're the only one still reading it.

Scent of a woman

It's the smell, dammit.

Sight's and sounds can evoke memories of events. Only smells can evoke memories of feelings. Not real feelings, but memories vivid enough that they feel real. Ashley's house has a very distinctive smell. It's probably the smell of all the animals carrying out their lives, but to me, it's the smell of everything I've had with her. It's the smell I can't stand. If it weren't for that smell, there wouldn't be a problem. As it is, it was like, the most akward party ever. All because of the smell of a relationship. It's interesting, really. You don't think of smells like that normally.

What a lot of people would refer to as love (It's not love, but I'm not sure what to call it) has one peculiar consequence. It can be eleven o'clock at night and I can have no hope of getting my homework done, and it will ruin my GPA, and I honestly don't care, because the intervening time I spent with that person was so incredible, and because I know I'll see her again tomorrow. This sudden sense of apathy maybe seems like a bad thing because of what you're left with when it ends, but from where I'm standing, it just seems like a good deal all around. Cause if it weren't for her, I'd be really really miserable right now. And despite all my reasons to be miserable, I'm still ecstatic. I should also note that I'm horribly sleep-deprived, ,which tends to heighten such feelings, and I will probably regret posting this for some reason, but it's that uncontainable sort of exitement that I'm talking about. I know she doesn't read my blog, and if she does, well, I don't mind her seeing this. If nothing else it'll be a huge self-esteem boost. You can call me childish, rash, or immature, but I'm happier now than I've been in a long time.

Ergh